Big Damn Blog

Judging People Part 2 - Pants

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 18:22:52 +0800

Let's be honest, you know you're going to hate somebody the minute you meet them, and usually this attitude doesn't change. The 'Judging People' guides that I'm penning serve as a handy guide to assist in the judging of people whose personalities you would rather kill and roast on a spit, than get to know. The second segment is on Pants.

Skinny Leg Jeans
Skinny leg jeans probably came about like this; some guy stayed at his girlfriends house, awoke to find he soiled his pants or something, wore her jeans then when seen said this was the new fashion, and since the modern teenager is such a forward independent thinker he followed blindly, thinking "gee this will look great with my mix tape belt buckle, boy am I indie for being obsessed with an obsolete format".
These pant's are so tight that they will make even the burliest of lumberjacks sound like Imogen Heap. Their only valid use is a double contraceptive, not only are they unbecoming and therefore assist the wearer on losing out 'natural selection'-wise, but say someone is drunk enough to sleep with this person not only will their performance be compromised but the wearer will probably be sterile, after their little worm's been living in whats basically denim cellophane wrap.
Cargo Shorts
I'm not generalising and saying that ALL cargo shorts are bad, just when they're worn by a person who has the mental dexterity and age to dress themselves. These things are designed for five year old's no adult will ever look good in them. For example, Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, he gets women but its all fictional, In real life these women would sooner assume he's a mental invalid.
The kind of men you see wearing shorts are the kind of men that enjoy the smell of shoe polish and watch cricket. To me cricket is the sporting equivalent of losing at 'rock-paper-scissors' then saying best of 5, the games last for five freaking days.
But I have to admit this is mainly a problem I have with Shorts (cargos being the only kind I hate enough to not tolerate) maybe its that I look horrible in shorts, or the only things you should be wearing shorts with is gasoline that has lit on fire. But something about shorts reeks of five year old to me, real men wear blue jeans and nothing else, don't you dare say Khaki to me or I will funnel 12 litres of diet coke into you then force feed you a pack of mentos.
Rave or ‘phat’ Pants
How about I start this one with a joke (something funny? on THIS blog?) What costs more than $200, makes you look like a douche and is made of garbage bags and My Little Pony vomit? Rave pants. Rave pants are oversized fuck. Why do people wear them? well we all understand raves are just large congregations of children taking ecstasy like their vitamin c tablets then dancing to the same song over and over again until they've sweated off half of their body-mass, this is the new mating ritual of he 2000s. Once upon a time, a man would court a woman, now they just slap on as much glowing stuff as they can and enchant women with a display almost equal to pokémon on the 'lets fuck up epileptic kids'-o-meter. It's all natural, its like butterflies with brighter coats attracting females, basic survival of the fittest, and I totally just made that whole thing about butterflies up so lets hope its accurate.
People that wear these things are bigger douche-bags than Daniel Radcliffe, If i wanted to see Harry Potter fuck a horse, I would google "harry potter fucking a horse" and click one of the 1000s of fansites dedicated to just that fetish, I dn't need Danny Radcliffe sausage-bonking a horse on stage.
Pink Track-pants with big Fuck-off Slogans on the Arse

This is something that should only be worn outdoors with ugg-boots, and that wouldn't be a problem if people would just abide by basic rule of outdoor aesthetics; UGG BOOTS DO NOT BELONG AROUND PEOPLE. They are only ok If you wear them around Family members and people that you have known for at least 6 months and are extremely close with. Too often do I see women wearing matching pink tracksuits and ugg boots while their faux-tan leathery skin hangs like rivers of fried eggs from their withered skeletons.
These pants run on the same "I'm so sexy, and I know it attitude" that can be seen in shirts that have glitter-writing, quoting mean girls "i'm a bitch cause your boyfriend wants to fuck me", ironically the kind of women that wear these are the size of the trailer they live in, and are about as sexually attractive as shoving ones penis into a Hadron Collider and pushing "go". They can be seen in Westfield shopping centres while the employed work from 9-5.
That's all for now. Next Time; shoes.

Christianity

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 20:09:34 +0800

OK so I’m back to once again pollute your pixels with my hate, let’s mark my return to the world of writing crap that only I, myself read by having a Christian Bale worthy freak out (and that ultra current pop-culture reference) at one of the biggest organisations in the world. Christianity. For the record, you brought this on yourselves by taking up public space to rant and rave literally on a soap box, disturbing the peace.
Scientology gets a bad wrap, cause of the whole Tom Cruise and ‘reject Star Trek‘ plot that it’s based on, but see Christianity makes just about as much sense, its pretty much the same kind of stupid found in every other religion. I have absolutely no doubt that If somebody wrote ‘Dianetics’ 3000 years ago when the world was a much less educated rock, we’d all be measuring our Thoeton levels and awaiting the return of the evil overlord Xenu. But instead of having all the scientology charges for we got the stale words of the Holy Bible.
‘What’s Christianity?’ I hear some of you asking, well Christianity is a religion, if you need to know more about it go to your local city centre and no doubt will you find a lunatic raving at you - the heathen sinners - while standing on a soap box pushing ideals onto you about how abortions cause bushfires or ‘loving thy neighbour’, you know the kind of Biblical crap people eat up like they’re teenagers and Jesus is MTV.
What’s wrong with it, well where to begin, how about the beginning…
Part 1: Creation
Now evolution is a pretty sound theory, man is 98% monkey, and I can live quite happily knowing that, also it pardons the loud shrieking and faeces-flinging that I engage in whenever I get asked for change, and by the way if you ever ask me for change; when I say no, I fucking mean ‘no’, whats with the guys that ask if they can see your wallet to verify that you don’t have any change for them to have, like they have some sort of liberty saying that if I have money they have a right to it, get a job. Where was I, oh yes evolution, its pretty good but Christianity has an opposing view called ‘creationism’.
The theory of Creationism basically states that you, me, and every living thing materialised out of thin air because some Omnipotent fuck got bored and thought ‘Now that I’m done eating my breakfast I think I’ll get around to creating Life, ‘Let there be light’. Now this stories got more holes in it than the ovum of a woman trying to preform a home abortion using a clothes hanger and a bottle of Smirnoff.
1) Happy Birthday, The Earth, you’ve just turned 3000? If we go by the bible and ignore all that scientific propaganda forced down our throats we find that the earth is really 3000, years old. Turns out all that archaeological evidence was planted by the devil in a cunning rouse to trick our puny minds into not believing in god, its sort of like a menacing scavenger hunt, am I supposed to believe that the fallen son, Lucifer goes around burying fake bones for people to find (by the way, Simpsons did it) while snarling menacingly like Zurg from Buzz Lightyear.
2) Adam and Eve Rather than face the fact that we descended from shit-flinging tree hoppers, Christianity insists we’re all the product of incestuous union between the children of Adam and Eve. So for some reason incest only started causing birth defects AFTER the bible ends, some simple genetics can dispel this, but science isn’t a valid argument so lets fight bullshit with bullshit. The Bible says Adam lived till the plump age of 930 - must be that ‘forbidden fruit served by talking reptiles’ diet he’s on - yet the flood in which the Earth was purged of wrong-doers that ONLY Noah and his family survived occurred in the year 601, so basically Adam was either born 300 years before god created him or there was one big fuck-up on his birth certificate.
Part 2: Where are the Zombies Heaven in itself is something I have a problem with. Why is everybody so eager about going to heaven? judging by the australian catholic school system theres probably a seperate boys and girls heaven and they get three socials a year, killing time between them by playing endless rounds of soggy biscuit.
Ask any person what they want in an eternal life and I guarantee what you’ll get is a literal reproduction of the opposite of the ten commandments, cause nobody wants to live without adultery, people want sin, what the hell are you supposed to do behind those big gates on those clouds? you mean to say I cant fuck people while I’m there, divorce is illegal and you’ll be married to one woman for eternity.
Secondly what do you look like in heaven, some say its when you were happiest on this world, others, what you look like when you die , making heaven a glorified old folks home, It would quiet literally be dawn of the dead up there. Now say you go up there and you peaked happiness wise at the age of four, and your wife (who, remember you’re stuck with for eternity) peaked at 60? is pedophilia legal in heaven?
And people keep saying hell is eternal torment but lets lay this out, one way you get burned up a bit, ouch, the alternative is an eternal sentence in boredom, surrounded by mormons in khakis, slowly going more and more insane until one day you just go Virginia Tech on heaven. Another point to consider is where do the cool people go when they die, we all know Elvis’ pelvis is probably 800 time more scorched then a cat around five year olds, matches and a deodorant can. Hell has alumni such as Hitler, the Developers of Duke Nukem Forever, Jimi Hendrix, people that wear bluetooth headsets, Martin Luthor King (you know he got him some pussy back in the day) and soon enough Steve Jobs, who’s heaven got?… exactly
And while were on the topic you know who should go to hell? the inventor of the vodka cruiser, there seems to be an unwritten rule that whoever drinks this has to try and to be as stupid as humanly possible, it’s unknown if this affects people at all ages/genders since only 16 year old girls drink it. Having the neck of the bottle is suddenly license to do stupid things like climb onto tables, or stand in the middle of roundabout screaming the lyrics to “Barbie Girl” while it rings from your phone, or worst of all lowering themselves to hook up with degenerate people like me.
Part 3: Proof I mean it all just seems a tad too convenient, any time evidence pops up against Christianity, its simply shoved to the side as the ‘work of the devil’. A christian finds the Virgin Mary’s image in a urinal cake and its declared divine intervention, but when evidence like evolution comes up it’s taken about as seriously as Ice Age 3. The only proof that Christianity has to offer is the bible which has been; torn up, used and passed around more than your mother on a Friday night, its only credibility relies within itself, its like creating a Wikipedia then citing it within itself, and if there’s one thing that should dictate a persons beliefs it’s wiki etiquette.
You know when you chuck a HUGE dump, worthy of the loch ness monster, then you wipe and there’s nothing there, so you take 20,000 insurance wipes cause you’ve spent your entire shit believing at the end you’ll be rewarded with mountains of dirty toilet paper only to be left empty handed at the pearly gates of your toilet; and thats all christianity is, an insurance wipe for those not ready to face their mortality (or if were sticking with my metaphor a clean sphincter)
I have a lot more to say but the aggressiveness of this post is a bit much.

Chasing Miley

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 09:53:17 +0800

Sunday 16th August 11:55PM
I want to marry her, in short, not only is she Hannah Montana but have you SEEN her dad, I wouldn’t break his Achey Breaky heart if you get what I’m saying. Anyways, after seeing the Hannah Montana film, by the way that’s a stunning peice of filmography right there, I suggest it to people of all ages.
For those of you that think my campaign for love is a “joke” I am sickened, this to me, is as funny as a british comedian, all they ever do is bitch about different areas of england “ooo northbury, what a hole” then everybody laughs, I don’t get it, there’s nothing funny being said.

CRISS angel and tim burton; douchebags

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:34:34 +0900

There’s little that I hate as much or more than MTV; Criss Angel is it’s spawn, and is, pretty much a living, breathing, eyeliner-wearing human embodiment of MTV, he’s essentially a messiah for all those pop-alternative tweens who dye their hair black, black like their dark, dark souls that is. They’re alternative because kid’s today don’t understand that alternative actually means minority, ‘different to the norm’ something that the drone children of which Criss’ following is not.
Here’s a quick quiz for all the parents out there; do your children like Criss Angel? If you answered with a yes, then you have failed miserabley as a parent and in my mind are on the same level of parental stupidity as Mrs. Vorhees and those miserable bitches at http://www.mavav.org/.
If you don’t know who Criss Angel is, I’ll give you a quick rundown. He’s a magician, if you’re thinking kooky and fun like Gob from arrested development, you would be dangerously wrong. Criss is mystic, he can tear people in half, walk on water and he totally wears a trucker hat.
Here’s an example of Criss using his ‘dark magics’ on a little girl;

 
Remember that time that magician your mum hired touched you at your ninth birthday party? Criss takes it up a notch. Look if some strange looking guy asks if he can make your daughter into a ‘big girl’ and film it, a good parent says no and notifies the authorities. A good parent does not say; “sure, here, take my child, while I go shop”.
I love that this magic trick perfectly emulates what MTV does, it takes little unsuspecting 9 year old girls, turns them into tweens, that only wear black, who’s lives revolve around their LiveJournal and how much they can competitively out-’bling’ one another on their MySpace pages. These kids think they’re all ‘grown up’ just because they have Mary-Kate and Ashley brand plastic hand-bag made of pink glittered up plastic, grow the hell down.
Shit the only thing worse than the High School Musical fan-base of this show is the horrible yokel on-lookers, the ‘public’ that sees Criss pull this magic, these people are only on his show all the Springer tickets were sold out. The acting is almost on par with that of porno’s, the ones that try to have a story line, watching them feign amazement as Criss convinces them he can walk through a sheet of glass is something akin to getting fucked aggressively in the eye by a hippo, does life get worse? one simple answer, yes…
You see Criss isn’t the one trick pony that he appears to at first glance, turns out he’s also a musician. His music is like if the previously mentioned hippo took a break from fucking your eye and moved on to your ears, systematically fornicating each ear into deafness. His first album ‘Musical Conjurings from the World of Illusion’ (top name, douche bag) is essentially the product of two goth kids, angry at the world, crying into a microphone then running it through every single audio filter in Adobe Audition CS2 before their free software trial ran out. Their next four albums, don’t venture too far from ear-fuck county either.
Criss Angel is a bigger egotistical douchebag than Stalin, Tom Cruise and Shan Yu [from Mulan] put together. And I’m not a fan. If you want to see more Criss Angel here’s a link to him impressing more little girls, but he’s just a small part of a larger problem that I call ‘Burton-esquity’. You see in recent history, Tim Burton (for reasons that seem to evade me) has successfully raped the world of the ‘Alternative’ genre for all the money in their Emily The Strange wallets. He’s got a pretty refined technique that can be summed up pretty well in a simple mathematical algorithm:

Tim Burton seems to have an allergy to actually CREATING he just takes a pre-existing franchise, throws his douche-juice all over it and calls it ‘art’, also he’ll squeeze Johnny Depp in wherever he can, seven out of his fourteen movies have Johnny Depp. Have you seen the Burton Batman movies? hilarious to watch but you feel a certain level of laziness in the dialogue when half of it is the antagonist talking to themselves in a monologue to explain to the dimwitted viewers what just happened. “now that I have the crystal I can put it in this machine, and then I will save my wife” says Dr. Freeze, thank god he stated his motives aloud, now Tim doesn’t have to give the character some god damn depth and reveal key information through plot, another thing Tim’s approach to directing/writing lacks. The end products of this process result in something about as smart and elegant as an LED belt buckle.
This guy belongs directing porn, and not quality porn either, he would be the director that makes the female end of the porn crew take the dirty talk a bit too far, you know when they start saying things in anatomically correct phrasing “insert your erect penis into my fluvial vagina, whilst one or both of us move our hips to move the penis backward and forward inside the vagina to cause friction, typically without fully removing the penis. (citation needed)”, you know when the dirty talk starts sounding like a wikipedia article. And on another side note, on all those videos you see in science class where do the get footage of a sperm cell penetrating an egg? I mean look at this picture (below), it seems awful close for a disposable camera don’t it.

Yep its sperm, at a beautiful angle.
Some more of Tim’s works include ‘Corpse Bride’ and ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ which is pretty much him playing with dolls, who seem to be built to embody anorexia and malnutrition, something he’s into, judging by his choice wife. The appeal of these movies is that there isn’t one, any child that watches them would be better off watching that video from the ring, and anyone above the age of 15 watching it has to make some serious changes to their life style in the way of getting some good taste. Tim Burton is a douche bag who’s birthday I’m ashamed to share.
The only thing worse than these two are the dimwitted fans that support them, a brigade of faux-liberal trend-hoppers, who think they’re being different by having all their decisions made for them by the West Coast American media, a quality also found in many Obama supporters; they don’t understand the policies that they’re supporting all they know is that ‘B’raq O-bizzle’ is black and therefore cooler than Blu-Ray is to pretentious tools.

5 Cartoon Characters to Not Marry

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:39:04 +0900

I like to consider myself an open-minded individual but when I stumbled across this little nugget I had a feeling something was going wrong…
A JAPANESE man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”.
This got me thinking WHY would somebody want to marry an animated character, aside from the screwed up Animé schoolgirl demon-tentacle rape porn, then that led me to wondering how he would DECIDE on who to marry, well after some deeper thinking I nailed down the five worst cartoon characters to get married to.

Yeah, sure he’s a cool guy but lets be realistic he’s more of a fling cartoon character, its like when you see a flashlight and you simply MUST have it so you can pretend it’s a light-saber and if anybody catches you you’re like, “oh no I am just uhhh.. testing the beam, on the roof” It’s not grounds for a serious relationship.
He’s a smurf on ‘roids and that’s going to cause some aggression, that and he comes with more multicultural kids than Angelina Jolie, all of which are teenagers. He spends a suspicious amount of time with Gaia, who thinks that relationship is purely platonic. And his haircut is more lesbian than a chick named Russel with a 14″ strap on. So spare a realistic though before you become Mrs. Captain Planette

Words can not describe the hatred I harbour for Scrappy Doo. Scrappy is Scoobie’s cousin or some such, cause it’s plausible that there’s more than one talking dog out there, that can walk on his hind legs and articulate much more clearly than his elder cousin, fuck that.
When he talks it sounds like a chipmunks sphincter singing opera and all he has to say is ‘let me at’em’, that isn’t cute, it’s counter-productive, let those degenerate stoners solve the mysteries, just shut up Scrappy and sell crappy chinese merchandise to that 5-6 year old demographic that you were designed to market to.
You’re officially more annoying than Diddy Kong

Two words, sexual harassment. What he does to that kitten is beyond restraining order, we’re talking ‘The Collector’ capturing butterflies and discarded pieces of fur freaky. I’m not sure what kind of role model this would make him but I am pretty sure you don’t want this guy around your kids, he’s not exactly child friendly, he’s not the kind of animal you would see in one of those feel-good movies like Air Bud where a little boy can’t get a little brother ’cause Daddies weewee won’t work, so he picks up a stray dog that through a series of events end up playing a peewee sport.

For more information see Air Bud, Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Stretch, Air Bud: Spikes Back, Air Buddies, Snow Buddies, Space Buddies, Air Bud: Aussie Rules and trust me I wish I had made up those movies, no no, they’re real, despite its physical and mental barriers this single dog has not only mastered Basketball, Soccer, Baseball, American Football AND Australian Football; he’s also an astronaut, whats next for Air Bud? How could they possibly drain any more life out of this dead franchise… well do I really need to answer that?… (for Larger Airbud-Indiana image Click on Thumbnail) Anyways back to the main article…
[Edit: Had a hard time segueing into that joke]
Another thing about Pepe is; he’s french, what kind of security would that offer, if you got mugged he’d probably surrender his occupied arse. It’s not a nice smelling arse either, he’s french AND a skunk, double whammy, he’s like that one sandwich that you take out of your school bag at the end of semester; with all sorts of wildlife growing on it, mould forming its own little ecosystemic biomes.

Elmer Fudd/Krillin cause I really think they’re the same person. After being one-upped, beaten and harrased by a rabbit (earning him a stutter and a severe phobia of small furry things) Elmer fudd had to be sent to an asylum where he was to be treated for severe schitzophrenia brought on by depression over the hunters inadequacey and failure to hunt a single wabbit.
He came out several years later after a lobotomy (leaving a scar of six dots on his forehead) with the new name Krillin and the whites of his eyes and his nose mysteriously gone. His feelings of inadequacy forced him to find security by joining a gang headed by Goku. Rank in the gang was established by the craziness of ones hair, leaving the bald Krillin at the bottom of the ladder.
After this life it’s no wonder he gets married to a robot, and finds a way to reproduce with it. Do you really want this man raising your kids, marrying your electronic goods while you’re out of the house. One day your kids come home from school to see daddy Krillin sexing up the toaster. No, thank you.

I know he seems wholesome but let’s take a step back and really take a look at what Ash Ketchum is. He left a single parent home (and by the way is it just me or does ashes mother give off that Mrs. Cartman-esque slutty vibe) at the age of ten so that he could capture small animals that he could later force to fight. On the first episode he steals a vehicle and makes it explode. Do you know how much shit one would have to do to explode a bicycle? Alot.
He travels around accompanied by a sexual deviant with a twin fetish and has an unhealthily strong relationship with a fat yellow rodent, probably crawling with all sorts of pokè-diseases, not aided by his habit of changing clothes once per season (that’s a full cartoon year).
After all this I beg the question; Why marry a cartoon character?